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Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

Oscar Wilde





nothing.

no big words or sarcasm, in all honesty, after everything ive been through, trying to avoid conflict, trying to welcome a happier version of myself only to realise, some people really cannot stand to see me happy, which quite frankly hurts my feelings, not because of anything they say, just because i dont understand why some people try so hard to hurt others feelings & belittle them. after everything ive experienced good & bad, the things i swore id accomplish, the people i called my family, after all the ‘bullshit’, i really have no more energy left to argue with any of you, no more energy left to debate things, because my opinions are not respected, im told i am wrong, opinions cannot be wrong; so many people have dissapointed me, if this is the end of a chapter, some of you may have won the battle together, i won my own war by myself, because when everything perfect snaps away, im my own best friend & worst enemy, nobodies got time for someone like me, like they say im different, not the good different either,i dont even know why i am writing this everytime i write my feelings down somebody reads it & gets angry, even if its specifically private writing. i feel like i have wasted so much time on the wrong people, like i dont have the motivation to put in that kind of effort for these people anymore, because they never meet me half way. above all i do not have the motivation or energy to put the effort into defending myself, abusing someone, standing up for myself etc. theres about 3 people that i can truthfully say i feel close too, comfortable to tell them things, even then i dont want to burden these people, i dont have the energy to lie to them though either. i lose sleep, i cant eat, i have taken my steps of independance & nearly reached my goals, through this journey, i honestly feel emotionally exhausted, like i just want to hibernate for a year, ignore everybody like they do to me. i dont even have the energy to cry over somebody anymore, im so tired of people putting there pressure on me, ive lost a lot of emotion & become quite numb to certain people. one emotion that has gradually come back is anger, its tears me wide open inside, thats what makes me cry, not being able to stop the anger from coming on. worst of all, i have never felt so terrified & scared about what will happen next. there is really so much more to say & i am aware this makes little sense, i just dont have the energy anymore, to try & sound smart, or make sense or anything. i have realised how selfish this world is during my life, its ok to be selfish though, it really is, thats what they want, conformism, not one person can ever have the exact same experience as another, but they want us to compare ourselves, they want us to think we can have that exact experience, to conform, to be selfish. children of the mobile phone & internet era, keep your game faces on.





Clearly Quite Absurd (New Version) - Deep Purple

0 Mal abgespielt

yep.





took me 5 mins to write, no hate pls.

i shoulda known that everything was gonna fuck up,

everytime i try be happy im cursed with bad luck,

caught in this daze its  hard to see a half full cup,

cant move forward and i feel so fucking stuck,

my future is laid out, but the present is a muck,

& where do i go when the world turns its back on me?

sometimes i wanna run away from this country

all of these chains hold me down cant break free

& how do i show you why cant you see

that this person i am is not who i wanna be

everytime i get my hopes up they’re crushed,

i get sicker & sicker every day,

they say good things dont come when you rush,

the feelings they never go away,

so i sit on the toilet & think so long i forget to flush,

& where do i go when the world turns its back on me?

sometimes i wanna run away from this country

all of these chains hold me down cant break free

& how do i show you why cant you see

that this person i am is not who i wanna be

whats another night watching t.v from dusk to dawn,

sleep on my couch so im not alone,

hoping to a god another nightmare doesnt spawn,

no one to talk to no one to phone,

wake up with scratches that i know ive clawn,

& where do i go when the world turns its back on me?

sometimes i wanna run away from this country

all of these chains hold me down cant break free

& how do i show you why cant you see

that this person i am is not who i wanna be

ooooooooooooh, have you ever felt like you just need some magic

when you dont wanna open your mind cos everythings tragic

just want it all to end,

if only you had a friend

to share your broken soul…. with.

 

after all this stormy weather its about time i saw a rainbow

but i keep it locked away dot wanna let my heart grow

cos last time i gave you mine to borrow

you said you’d be right back tomorrow

yeah well tomorrow never comes

all ive got now is a bottle of rum

 

& where do i go when the world turns its back on me?

sometimes i wanna run away from this country

all of these chains hold me down cant break free

& how do i show you why cant you see

that this person i am is not who i wanna be

ofcourse ill bite my tongue,

because i feel so dumb.





things I have given up on.

VALENTINES DAY. PEACE AT HOME. EXPLAINING MYSELF & MOTIVES WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF ENJOYING AN ARGUMENT. REMEMBERING TO SHOWER EVERYDAY. TO HAVE THE PERFECT BODY. TO HAVE FLAWLESS SKIN. TO EVER GET AN APOLOGY FROM YOU. TO EVER KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT SO MUCH. TO MOVE FORWARD FROM PAST MEMORIES THAT HURT. TO LAUNCH MYSELF INTO NEW THINGS. TO BE AN ARTIST.TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING WITH YOU.